Ugh I'm so tired of being me!!!! Actually I'm not that tired of being me, I'm just tired of living. It's not glaringly obvious or anything, but do you realize how repetitive life is? Even if we don't have fixed routines or schedules, the interactions we have with other people and the things around us are forever unchanging. Ok it's really hard to explain and even harder to understand so just try your best to wrap your head around my point. What I just said is something like "I'm tired of doing things
" Which is easily construed as "I'm tired of drawing, swimming, studying, and redditing...I NEED TO FIND MORE ACTIVITIES/A CHANGE OF SCENERY" but it's not what I meant. Rather, I mean to say "the search for activities is pointless to me because all activities only have one purpose and consequence: killing time". So all actions lead to the same consequence and i am powerless to stop it!!! I'm essentially trapped in a life that I cannot enjoy even if I am able to diagnose the cause!!!
The same goes for communicating. It's because of this realization that I've become more introverted as of late. Why do we talk to other people???? Communicating will always end with us being acquainted in some way or having a specific kind of dynamic in our relationship. And yet another invariable in the concept of our "relationship" is the knowledge that it will degrade if constant communication is not maintained!!! There are many other invariables in a relationship so essentially it doesn't matter WHAT KIND of dynamic you have with someone. Think of it as a slo-mo sim game. Everyone has their own little quirks and expectations and deep down they think they are a special and unique little snowflake (just like how people who use this reference think they are so funny and original haw haw) , but in the end EVERYONE IS THE SAME!!! YET I CANNOT ESCAPE FROM THIS NIGHTMARE BECAUSE COMMUNICATION IS A PRECONDITION FOR LIVING!!! If we use the previous example, SO IS THE CARRYING OUT oF ACIVITIES!!! It's not something that can easily be halted, and it wouldn't be fair to say that I don't derive a certain amount of pleasure, though minimal, from the mundane. I really am at a loss for what to do. It honestly helps to put it into words because before this I got puzzled when I felt this nagging feeling of boredom in my belly. Kinda like feeling so bored that you ABSOLUTELY have to shit in your pants? There's no better way to describe it. And I feel so bad nowadays when I talk to anyone because there's a part of me that can't stop going "this conversation is a waste of time!! Quick say BYE". But then again this might be another problem on its own. I've always had a problem with having my time wasted!! Believe me, I've been furious to the point of tears on more than one occasion...ya obviously it's exactly like crying over spilt milk but when you're hit with the knowledge of not having any more milk, you just can't stop the sorrow!!!!!!!!!!
Sigh I should stop dwelling on a problem that cannot be fixed by my human efforts!!! Hopefully our inductive reasoning will fail us for the first time ever and the world will naturally correct itself according to my wishes.....
Haw haw I love this pic of lock yin. Art club camp was quite average. I only enjoyed the parts were we did real art and played saboteur!!!
